Perfect Imperfection

So you deliver this to my feet, dear universe,
a sight to behold that grabs my hand

and steals me from the past

 

to help me forget what I was

and remember who I am

 

This is fleeting

and temporary

an offering, I know

to let me know

that you are listening

 

I will savor it

and let it lift me

to where you want me to be

 

and I will smile

when it’s time to go

and be thankful

 

for this gift

that finally set me free.

 

From Panic Attacks to Parachutes

Since August, my life has completely changed, and it all started with a panic attack and a trip to the gym.  I wrote this success story to give to my trainer.  He shared it with management, and they are going to post it on the wall at the gym...I'll be "published"!  Thought I'd share it with y'all here. 
________

Hi, my name is Michele, and I am an endorphin junkie…and proud of it!

I know that I don’t look like the typical success story.  I did not lose a lot of weight.  There are no before and after pictures because, by looking at me, they would not seem that different to you.

But there are things in everyone that you cannot see.

One of the first things I learned here is that being healthy and fit is not always just about losing weight on the outside.  I needed to lose the weight I was carrying around on the INSIDE. 

The first day I came to 24 Hour Fitness, I was having about my one hundredth panic attack in several months.  It was the worst one ever, and I was desperate.  In tears I drove to the gym knowing that if something did not change, I would not survive.  Brian was there to greet me, and he was gentle and kind and had a lot to do with my success.  He did not dismiss my pain, judge me, or treat me any differently than anyone else.   He suggested that it might be good for me to start with a trainer…he suggested Ryan.

And he was right.

I am going on six months now training with Ryan, and he has helped me change my life.  Okay, words seem to fail me here, but I mean CHANGE my life. 

In August I could barely leave my house.  I was completely desolate.  In December, just four months later, I jumped out of a plane…for fun!

I have led a mostly sedentary lifestyle and was never really interested in physical activity.  Now, if I don’t get to the gym at least 5 days a week, I feel like I’m missing out.  Ryan pushes when I need to be pushed but never more than he knows I can handle.  When he does push, it’s because he believes in me, and even though I doubt my own ability a lot of the time, he helps me to believe in me too.   When he says “you can do it”, I do it.  That has made all the difference.

I used to think that since I didn’t need to lose weight, I didn’t need to be active.  I could not have been more wrong.  Since joining, I feel healthier than I have in my whole life…both physically and more importantly for me, emotionally.  I am no longer held prisoner or defined by depression and anxiety.  Panic attacks are a thing of the past.  Nowadays, you’ll see me signing up for 5k’s and smiling more often than not!

Thank you, Ryan, for more than any of these words can ever express, and thank you 24 Hour Fitness, for being the kind of gym where I can be myself and be proud of it.

From panic attacks to parachutes…that’s my success story.
_________

~Peace

Sleeve of hearts

I keep it inside me most of the time
Because it’s mine
Not yours to take
Not yours to break

But sometimes it breaks free

Despite my pleas
And settles on my sleeve

You just stay there

And I’ll be here
And we can pretend
There is no end

Don’t come closer

‘Cause it might be over
It’ll just be fun
So we don’t have to run

But sometimes it breaks free

Despite my pleas
And settles on my sleeve

You just stay there
And I’ll be here
And we can pretend
There is no end

I won’t say love

So you won’t have enough
We will stay free
And never worry with belief
 
Yet I must confess
I’ve never felt like this
It just can’t be wrong
 but I don’t know this song

I keep it inside me most of the time

Because it’s mine
Not yours to take
Not yours to break

But sometimes it breaks free
Despite my pleas
And settles on my sleeve

I don’t know what to do

When I look at you
It has settled on my sleeve
And I want to believe

But I keep it inside me most of the time
Because it’s mine

Hanging by a thread from my sleeve

Let it sing...

Sometimes you just need to be sung to. And tonight I remembered how to make it sing.  It's the simple things that make the biggest difference.  

Finding Marbles

When I was little, I used to visit my cousin's house a lot.  We could walk to the 5 and dime at the corner...and I really do believe it was called that, or something very similar (and you really could buy a piece of candy for a dime...but let me not date myself too much).  We felt pretty cool walking to the store on our own.

Then we would take walks around the block and look for "treasures".  Coins, bottle caps...whatever.  But the biggest treasure of all...always...was finding a marble.  We'd go home and shine it all up like we struck gold.  And then we'd show it off.  So proud and accomplished.  One time, we found the BIG marble...an inch in diameter...wow, what a day! It didn't have any color, but it was a glass marble, and it was huge.  The jackpot of marbles!  On that day, it felt better than Christmas.

There were so many things that were magical in my childhood.

I sat thinking of this one day several years ago and wondered why I never find marbles anymore.  I shared this with my brother, and I swear it wasn't a week later that he handed me a marble that he found in my grandmother's back yard.  I almost cried I was so happy.  In fact, I think I did. 

And it was at that moment I realized...I don't find marbles anymore because I stopped looking.

I could go into a full on essay about the meaning of this as a metaphor for adulthood, but I think it's clear enough on its own.

If you want to keep finding marbles...never stop looking.

They are there, covered in dirt with one tiny edge peeking out.   

And you know how I know this for sure today?  Because yesterday my brother sent me a picture of two marbles that washed out of the dirt in my grandmother's yard...now his yard (the picture here).  He remembered, and he still looks.  And he still finds them.

And now, I should go....there are marbles to be discovered!

~keep looking, there are magical hidden treasures just waiting to be found

Feeling good is good enough for me

I have been carrying the same purse for at least 5 years...it could be 8.  I love it.  It's from target, and it's a functional cloth purse.  I know exactly where my phone is and where my keys are.  It's falling apart a little, but I haven't found one to replace it.

I don't wear a lot of makeup.

I am allergic to hair dye now, so I have let my grey streak shine.

I don't go out a lot, but I just don't believe it when I'm told that being happy in my solitude is a problem.

My soul smiles when my dogs are happy and there is good music on the radio.

I realize being too "still" was an issue.  I now go to the gym, and am happy to be on the path to a more healthy lifestyle.

Still...there are people at the gym who match head to toe. I don't have the time, money, or the inclination to dress up for the gym.  I just want to get there.  I am going to be healthy. This is not a fashion show for me.  

I wear bobby pins to keep my hair out of my face. and my workout clothes are from walmart and target...because I don't need to spend $50 on a pair of shorts to wear to the gym.

Half of the anxiety in my life is because people are trying to tell me I need to fit into something that I was not born to fit into.

I will probably never be part of a social club.

I will never carry a purse bigger than my ass.

I will not wear earrings bigger than my head.

I will not dress to impress.  I like my cargo shorts and flip flops.  Any man that doesn't appreciate that is not the man for me.

And there is absolutely no judgement here on anyone who does things I cannot do.  These things are perfectly acceptable and even great for those whose personalities fit them.  I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not enough because it's not me to do them.

I will get healthy,but I will not become someone I am not.

I am a hippie chick.  Love me or leave me alone, because feeling good is good enough for me.

~peace

4 am revisited

One of my dearest friends once told me that 4am is a powerful time to speak to the universe.  And almost every weeknight, I am up at .... 4am. 

I'm happy, I'm blessed...but is there something subconciously that I need to speak to the universe about? Or does it need to speak to me, and I just don't listen during the waking hours?

The night is still at this hour..even the bugs are asleep.  and yet the wind chimes next to me are clanging...until I look a them.  Then they stop.

What is the message?  I'm open and ready to receive it or grant it. 

I just wish I knew what it was...

~peace