Preface: you don’t have to read this if it makes you
uncomfortable.
My worst nightmare growing up was that I wouldn’t be able to
have children of my own. For real…I’m
not making that up.
All of my closest cousins got pregnant at the same time I
was trying…some by accident. It
hurt. Of course it hurt. I was happy for
them and pissed off at the same time.
Because, why not me? Was I
unworthy?
I tried for a lot more years. Never happened. And so I was
forced to realize that I was meant for a different path.
And now, at 50, I wholeheartedly believed I had come to
terms with my childless status; so a hysterectomy, which my body was demanding,
would be a relief, right?
Simple answer is yes, absolutely. But here
are the unexpected cruel realities that came with it…
1. Everyone talks to
you like you are having an appendix removed.
No big deal, right? Modern
medicine is a marvel. And outwardly, you
understand and accept this. What you’re
not allowed to talk about though is that “organ” they are removing holds all of
the children you were never able to have and any miracle children you may have
been blessed with. I didn’t lose a
child. I lost all of them. I always
imagined I’d have a daughter that sparkled like magic. And now I know with absolute certainty that
I’ll never see her face full of light.
2. They put you in
the maternity ward to recover. Sorry for
the language, but mindfuck much? You’re
the quiet room. No babies crying there. No
sound at all unless you can hear a heart breaking.
3. They pump you full
of air for the surgery so they have room to work. When you wake up, your belly looks like
you’re 5 months pregnant. Except you’re
not. You’re literally empty. But you
still walk around for weeks holding your belly like there’s something precious
inside you that you’re protecting. Everyone
asks you if it hurts, and you don’t know how to answer because it doesn’t hurt
the way they mean; but fuck yes, it hurts.
4. It’s time to move past it, because you know, it’s been
almost 5 weeks. Everyone’s forgotten
about it already. But you haven’t. You never will.
